In The Shallow
I'm haunted by the memories of a past and a life that feels so foreign to me, yet continues to pulls me back the further away I try to get. It had been a good year since I last remember thinking about it all. But, the tangled web that had been spun all those years ago has continued to be stay with me.
Recently, I've become acutely aware of how much the decisions of my past have seemingly permanently effected by present life. I started to notice the change shortly after getting engaged this past May, but really when I think about it I've never been able to fully shake the ghosts of my past. I have learned how to cope with them over the years to mixed results.
Over the weekend, I went and saw the movie A Star is Born which I just thought was a happy go lucky story. There is a romance in it, but it's by no means a happy story. Stunningly everything I had tried so hard to forget about came crashing down. It's silly really how a movie about fictional characters brought me right back to some of the moments I wish to never remember again. The short summary of the movie is that it's about an alcoholic drug addict musician who discovers a talented unknown singer and helps her become a star. But, the real story is about their personal relationship and how his drinking and addiction effects their personal and professional lives.
There were a couple particular scenes in the movie that really stuck a chord with me. One was a scene where Ally (Lady Gaga's character) is now a pop star and nominated for a Grammy and Jack (Bradley Cooper) is dealing with his own demons and doesn't like that the spotlight has shifted away from him to her. He has been drinking and he says things to her that are so hurtful and cruel. In that moment, I was brought right back to a moment in my past relationship with an alcoholic drug addict that forever haunts me.
The real life scene of mine was that my fiance at the time (now ex) who had been sober for six months relapsed and started drinking hardcore again. One night I came home and he had already drank three bottles of wine. As usual he was verbally abusive and the scene between Ally and Jack where she is in the tub was almost verbatim the conversation we had. The arguing escalated and on he began punching walls which was a new level to his rage. Our apartment wasn't very big and the bedroom door didn't lock very well so I left and slept at a friend's place for the night. My situation was complicated by the fact that we owned a business together that I was financially on the hook for and couldn't just walk away until two years later. It was in those last two years together that things went from bad to worse. But, that story is for another day. This is already more than I've ever said on the topic.